Fear

January 3, 2023

From as far back as I can remember, I've always known that I wanted to share my life's story but I could never actually pull the trigger

I feared everything. I feared it wouldn't be good enough; most likely because for as far back as I can remember, I never felt good enough

My voice was never loud enough. I never went against my "friends," so it was no wonder I often found myself in negative situations. Because my emotions were consistently so overwhelming, especially in social settings away from my family, I always found comfort inside my mind 

As a child, I had one reoccurring nightmare of the world ending.  It was a dry desert, the ground would begin splitting, it looked like the beginning of an earthquake, the image was coming towards me but I would always wake up just in time

I blazed through the darkness of my room, running down the hallway finally reaching my sister's room at the end of the hallway. She would flip over her comforter, invite me in and hold me close until I fell asleep

The fear of Judgement Day, death and truly just being seperated from my family after death never went away, until very recently

Growing up, feeling like I wasn't "there" was normal, especially when I became old enough for school, unfortunately for me, that was at the tender age of 4

I dreaded when "that feeling" would come over me, I never knew what it was or when it was going to show up, so overtime I just learned how to prepare for it's unexpected arrival, by creating my own little toolbox of coping skills

I would generally just pinch my arm, puncture the skin if necessary or even slap myself in the face if the feeling became too intense.  If I were around people, I would often do something similar to a tourette's tic- such as lifting up my arm up really quickly or doing a quick scream, believe me, I knew that this was weird..... but I had to elicit their help in someway to get out of this mental space and while I was embarrassed, I just acted as though I was being playful

I remember one time after moving into our new house, I ran up to my Mother as she was coming out of her bedroom, I began begging her to tell me that I was there, standing right in front of her

"Calm down Diana, calm down, you're here, you're here, you're here" she said in an anxiously soothing voice obviously catching her off guard, even though this was somthing she was becoming more and more familiar with

"What happens after we die?" I asked, in between crying and gasping for breaths

"We go to heaven" she said in a confident, loving tone while she held me close

"How long is heaven??" I cried in fear while trying to be strong

"Forever" in a loving way, clearly hoping to calm me down

"How long is forever?!!" I cried once again, moving from side-to-side unable to stand still

"Well," she said, thoughtfully, "for eternity," at this point, I am sure she knew it wouldn't stop there and it didn't

"but how long is that?" I began to panic again, continuing to cry in her arms until I felt safe enough for the feeling to sail away, for that day

As a child, this was presented to me as "truth" and I was just expected to believe it, so I did, but the uncertainty of the details never sat well within me.